I’m having a hard time choosing what to believe.
It had been a crazy ride for me these past few weeks, wherein my supposedly Prince Charming came to sweep me off my feet. I didn’t have a moment’s time to get my head straight and think how my life will change forever. And now that all the festivities are over and I am back to my routine, I have a chance to think this through. All I can say is I am confused. Confused by my own feelings. How I am finally happy that I found “the one” and how I am truly sad that I’ll be leaving the comfort of my home in the near future. I am having a hard time choosing which feeling is stronger.
“Solitaire is what I want”, I had told him. I got my wish, only to realise later that the solitaire that I wear so proudly on my finger comes with great responsibility. I no longer will be the chirpy pampered little girl of my parents. I’ll now be seen as a responsible, mature woman who takes care of the home and family. This is the change people expect the girl to go through overnight, just because of a ring.
It hardly is ever. At least not in my case! Even on my engagement day I had my sporadic moments. For once travelling while on makeup and heavy clothes is really tiring. I had to travel for 2 hours to reach my engagement venue in another city. Getting out of the car, the first thought that I had was to meet him and run away. Being the minimalistic person all my life the heavy dress really bothered me. I had always dreamt of a big engagement party with all the glam and glitter. I realised it on the day of my engagement that all the dresses, makeup or gifts weren’t important to me. I couldn’t care less to get engaged in my old jeans. All that mattered was Me, him and our families being together (Yes I’ll keep ME first).
With juggling all these emotions all at one time, the only thing that made me rise to the occasion and actually putting in efforts to get dressed on my engagement day was him. I was looking forward to spend those few hours standing proudly beside him (and of course my ring). All I got was exactly what I wished for. I was jumping and hopping around my engagement party and wasn’t even a bit of the nervous shy bride that people expected to see. My new family was really happy to see me so happy and both of us so comfortable with each other.
While, my family was searching a groom for me, many people told me what to look for, what to search in a guy. I was advised that the guy should be mature, should be from a particular caste, this tall and that handsome. When I actually met him, there was a feeling of familiarity, like “Oh Hello! It’s you. It’s going to be you.” I can’t particularly say that we fell in love at first sight. I wasn’t even looking for love. All I ever wanted was a sense of comfort and familiarity.
Things will be different for both of us now onwards. We’ll have added responsibilities and duties to do and social obligations to perform. Indian society can be a bit intimidating at times. Especially during such occasions. I remember, people who could not attend the function were online on video calls to see us and wish us. All mobile phones and tabs stuffed in our faces and it seemed to go on forever. I really felt like the function turn into a social media circus. I do appreciate their efforts that they took out time and despite different time zones they were there. But by the point all the ceremonies got over I could not wait to have some quiet time with him so that I could make fun of everything cliché and laugh out loud with him.
This is actually what I felt good about my relationship. That we are equally weird and fist-bumpy types rather than the romantic couple. Every girl wants a romantic and one of a kind unique relation/partner for herself. All I ever wanted was a normal guy who got my kind of weirdness.
Now that things are settling down again, I am getting time to think of all the changes that’ll come with this new phase. It does put me in a nervous state of mind that now I won’t have my mother run around me all the time to drink that cup of coffee. Because now I’ll be the one who has to make the coffee.
I guess at every point of life, from home to school, school to college, college to job, getting married, all these events brings an uncertainty with it and thus the nervousness. Leaving something behind is always difficult, but you do it anyways. I’ll miss all that I have created here. But a New Year dawns and it brings with itself new possibilities and new adventures.
I think I’ll be able to do it.